Then came the sophisticated bit - the chassis I was using came from a Jaguar XK220 - with lights!  At this point I handed the entire thing over to my son, Philip, with instructions to wire it up so that the lights would work!  You see - it's simple!

And so we got to race night.  A stunning variety of 2CVs had been produced by various means.

Craig and Colin had used a technique similar to my own, but, being more intelligent, had realised that carving wood is difficult, not to mention potentially dangerous, and had therefore carved their prototype out of oasis (not the so-called music group, but the stuff you use for flower arrangements) - this being a much easier medium to work.  From there on they had followed a similar approach using the technical department in Craig's school.

Phil, on the other hand, had decided to use a plastic kit to produce his car.  However, he had encountered the problem that all available models are either too small or too large.  In the end he decided that the best to use was the Airfix kit.  This is rather larger that the Scalextric chassis - so he cut the chassis in half, extended it by ½" or so, and reinforced it with metal rods.

Barry had simply taken one of Craig's moulds, and blue-tacked the entire thing on top of a 1960's Ferrari!

As a sub-category, the challenge had also been thrown down to produce any other A-series that was not a car.  Only two vehicles were entered here - John's very cunning balsa-wood Méhari, complete with a pipe-cleaner lady driver, and my own red van, the Van-tastique Van Rouge (which most people recognised as my car with a shed-shaped van body cunningly attached with the ubiquitous Blue-Tack).

Although we had had an entire year to produce our vehicles, most of them had actually been finished (or in the case of John's Méhari built from scratch) the night before.  None of them had ever yet run on a proper track - and so the problems started!

Phil's very nice Airifx-based design set off on its first run - it hurtled along the straight, and made no attempt whatsoever to negotiate the corner.  Close examination revealed that the front wheels were so large that they lifted the contacts up to the extent that, while they would still pass the electrical current, the steering bar was hardly making contact with the slot in the track - consequently fine on the straights, but with all the cornering power of a charging rhinoceros.  A cunning adjustment (removing the tyres from the front wheels) meant that steering was regained.

Phil then encountered his second problem - as his chassis had been lengthened, it was now so long that the rear wheels of the car would fall off the near-side of the track when taking a tight bend.  The only way to overcome this was to take the bend at such a speed as to induce a skid, and corner on opposite lock.

Barry's problem was somewhat different; having poored scorn on those of use who used a new chassis, the tyres on his ageing Ferrari were so smooth and slick that they had no grip; this resulted in the need for very gentle acceleration (otherwise lots of wheel-spin and no forward motion); however, the car cornered as though perpetually on its very own black ice patch - four-wheel spin at every corner, no matter how slowly it was travelling.

The cars from Craig and Colin's stable encountered no major difficulties; they did however produce a very peculiar whirring noise when running - reminiscent of a cat caught in a sewing machine.

John's Méhari was technically perfect - even though the paint was still wet.

My own car came close to being banned initially.  Obviously everyone was jealous of my working lights; they claimed that having a full set of working headlights, rear lights, and brake lights was contrary to the spirit of 2CV motoring!

After a few vociferous arguments, it was decided that all the cars were wonderful, and we could get down to the serious business of racing.  For further enjoyment, we agreed that any driver could use any car!

And so the racing began.  A few trial races before the main event gave a glimpse of the problems in store.  Phil's car created a great deal of amusement by doing several laps with the body gradually shaking loose from the chassis, and finally falling off altogether.  It was decided that a chassis finishing on its own would not be allowed.  Barry's very tasteful black and yellow Charleston actually managed to complete a brief race - and win owing to the inept attempts of the marshals to get his opponent's car back onto the track after a spin.  The pip-clear driver of the Méhari clung on manfully (womanfully? pipe-cleaner-personfully?) for a number of laps, but eventually was seen leaning out over the side of the car - possibly being sick.  After a very sharp corner she fell out altogether; thereafter she was attached gripping on the tailgate of the Méhari, creating innocent amusement as the car hurtled round the track driverless.

One practice race had to be restarted, owing to a technical malfunction from one of the cars; it was pointed out that this was not true to the spirit of racing.  Has anyone ever heard Mr Schumacher say "My dear Mika, of course we will restart the race if you have a little problem with your car!"

Racing was divided into a ladies' event and a men's event, with the ultimate winners of each to race in the Grand Finale.  Sophie, our very own French import (working here as an assistante for this year) had no experience of Scalextric, and we had to point out to her that, unlike the real thing, Scalextric 2CVs need to slow down for the tighter corners.  Barbara announced her intention of going out on round 1 so that she could enjoy the rest of the evening - and consequently lasted until round 3.  Barry accelerated Phil's car to full speed along the straight - it not only failed to take the corner, but ran straight across the run-off zone and launched itself off the table, shedding bits of bodywork in all directions.

After many arguments, Nicki, a guest on her first visit to the Mad Cows, won the Coupe des Dames, while Barry, after various dubious results, won the men's event.

And so to the final.  This gave problems to Barbara, one of the official lap-counters, when she realised that for a 20-lap race she would run out of fingers!  Barry chose to race the Méhari, while Nicki opted for Van Rouge.

After the initial closely-fought laps, Barry edged out into a short lead.  This lengthened to nearly two laps when Nicki spun at the hairpin.  The race seemed like a foregone conclusion when, on the penultimate lap, Barry suffered a technical stop-go penalty (in the form of the author's fist blocking his lane at the end of the straight).  Racing was neck-and-neck through the rest of the final lap until, in an event that would have reduced even Murray Walker to speechlessness, both cars spun on the very last hair-pin.  Swift work by the marshals gave Barry the closest of victories.

Our thanks go to those very nice people at Model Junction in Bury St Edmunds for the loan of all their track and facilities.

So, now you know how it's done, what's stopping you?  All you need is a load of track, a very large space to lay it out (preferably at table-height to save the marshalls' backs), and a spare hour or so on the evening before the event to build your car.

And so on to the planning for next year's event.  Does anyone have any ideas how to build a three-wheel Lomax for a Scalextric chassis?